I set my kids the task of clearing up the toy clutter, so I now have a chance to clear my thoughts, which are many.
First thought: It’s fieldwork season; which means my farmer husband is going to have yet another aspect of work to do. I can think of so many things around the house that I would like help with: cleaning up all the garbage littering our farm, getting a hose ready that I can attach a sprayer to (because the birds are up to their dirty business on my windows again), making a plan about the weeds that come back with new determination every year, the garage door needs repainting, and so does the picnic table now that I’m thinking about it, and the mold in the upstairs bathroom is looking bad again, and I simply don’t know what to do about it. Plus, it looks as if a big patch of the lawn died even though I did mow the leaves last fall. I need to do some major raking on the lawn to remove twigs and nuts. I understand that I can do some of this myself, but some of it is beyond my skill level. I get such a hopeless feeling when I contemplate the state of our farm.
Second thought: My husband said, “There must be something you can concentrate on instead…” So I thought about that. I’m doing fine on homeschooling. What am I supposed to be concentrating on? My home. The Bible says I should be busy at home. I’m obeying and not obeying at the same time because I’m busy at home, but my busyness at home is creating needs that I can’t meet by myself, and so I’m discontent. But how can I be content with this place? Sure, if the neighborhood suddenly got bombed or hit by a major tornado or something, and my home stayed the same, I’d probably be content with it. Because then the standard changes. Then it’s about survival only, not living appropriately with beauty and order.
Next thought: I really want a therapist or counselor. I feel like I need to get some of this hashed out. But the closest nouthetic counselor is too far away. And I don’t do Skype. The nouthetic counseling network doesn’t have anyone who counsels via emails; I checked. There must be someone who will counsel me via email…
Another thought: I’m reading a little book about bitterness (and this may be another post someday), and I know I have bitterness problems. But am I bitter about sin or not? I honestly can’t tell. Is forgetfulness and lack of thought sin? Is acting differently in the company of different people sin? Is falling asleep in church sin? I could go on. I am super confused about this, and I can’t untangle the answer.
Final thought: Bitterness comes with a sort of hardness. In some cases, this hardness seems necessary… or I’d be crying constantly. And yet, I am called to have a gentle spirit. Am I gentle or harsh? I seem to flip-flop. I wish I could just find a magic potion to make it okay to trust my husband again. I’m starting to feel stupid for believing him.
This does help me. I think I can go play a game or read a book before sending my kids to bed. Thank you for hearing me out.