I am spending my morning quiet time writing to you. Normally I spend it in my room, but this morning the thought of being alone in my bedroom seems like a bad idea. I’m not handling life well this morning, and I’m hoping this little blog writing session will smooth out some of the wrinkles.
So what are some of my problems? Well, my son and I went to the dentist yesterday. My hygienist was extremely kind and understanding. She asked if I flossed, and when I said “Not often” she whispered, “Don’t worry; I have to ask that.” Eddie’s hygienist could have been the spokesperson for the American Dental Association. Hardly even a real human. None of my children have ever had cavities. I haven’t had a cavity in at least fifteen years. I make decisions like going to the dentist once a year instead of twice, and getting x-rays once every two years. Because dentists are super expensive, and we don’t have insurance for it. I kept putting off paying $50 at a crack for those sealants they put on the kids’ molars. That’s what really set off Miss ADA. She took a large picture of the tartar in my son’s back tooth and exclaimed about it as she showed it to me. She bullied me into agreeing to the sealants. She left and I started crying during Miss Understanding’s polishing routine.
You see, I never really know how we pay for anything. I know we’ve had a negative net income for at least two years (probably longer). I know my husband chooses which bills to pay and which to ignore. I know he comes home and stresses out over the cost of protein and how not feeding the cows protein is affecting the milk production. And all his expensive machinery breaks in expensive places. How do I even dare go to the dentist? How can we afford to eat? How am I going to justify buying Christmas presents this year? I have begun freelance writing online, but it’s not very lucrative, and honestly, I don’t have enough time to write as much as I should to actually make something substantial. So far I’ve written 14 posts and sold 1 for $9. That’s less than one-fifth of one of those sealants.
I want a budget. Except my husband is one of those fly by the seat of his pants sort of guys. Any budget designed by him would be irrelevant within a week.
The Bible says not to store up treasure on earth. But I want a savings account with something in it. We don’t even have that.
The Bible says look to the lilies. There are none. It’s October. (Yes, I’m purposely being stubborn here. I shouldn’t worry. God provides. I know that in my head, but right now I’m having a really hard time understanding why I shouldn’t worry about finances.)
Plus, I have church lunch this coming Sunday, a party my children would love to attend on Saturday, I have to bring snack to 45 homeschool co-op kids on Tuesday, and my Sunday School class of preschool and kindergartners just became three kids larger. Plus my sculpture project for Tuesday is dependent on my husband cutting some boards for me, which he has been talking about for months but hasn’t done yet. I should have told him, “No, I’m going to buy a handsaw and do it myself.” I really should have. I am really tired of being dependent on him. But what choice do I have? I have none. My business idea made nine dollars. And oh yes, I’m supposed to be teaching my kids. It’s Week 10 of our homeschool.
Okay. Morning quiet times need some sort of prayer in them. Dear Lord, I need help putting things in perspective. All this stuff I’ve written about is weighing me down, but it weighs less than a feather to You. You’ve died for my sin of not trusting. Please forgive me. I’m such a failure, and You’re such not a failure. Help me to be invisible so everyone else out there (the people who actually see me, and not just blog-world) sees You, not my stupid self. Thank You for caring enough to listen. In Your Name, Amen.